Childhood Experience and Parenting Strategies
January 9, 2012 § 27 Comments
I’ve never met a parent who didn’t want the best for their children. I’m not referring to wealth or material acquisitions. I’m talking about the instilling of qualities that underlie the development of positive social behaviors from infancy on, such as an adaptable personality, the ability to formulate flexible strategies, and the capacity for resilience. In other words, you want to see your child grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted adult. How does someone begin to develop parenting strategies?
I suggest that if you are contemplating raising a family, that you begin by reflecting upon
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your own childhood experience since it is often predictive of how you will parent your children. “Wait a minute,” you might say, “I would never do such and such to my children,” (referring to distasteful childhood experiences). True, most of us make conscious decisions not to repeat our parent’s hurtful behaviors, yet the truth is, we are the product of our experience. To illustrate, please consider the following questions which are put to you now, as an adult, but know that your answers may be rooted in your early life experience:
1. Is it easy for you to connect to others in a meaningful way?
2. Are you comfortable in social situations or would you prefer to be alone?
3. Do you welcome new experiences or do you tend to stick to familiar situations?
4. Is your response to a stressful challenge organized, chaotic, or numbing?
Researchers in the field of early childhood development have linked behaviors associated with the above questions to experience-dependent patterns of brain organization which offer clues to an individual’s capacity for adaptability, the development of effective strategies, and resilience. Parenting is one of the most important and challenging tasks that an individual can take on. While you can never be completely prepared, the more you understand your own childhood developmental history, the more present you can be as a parent.
If you are a parent, did you find yourself struggling to give your child a different kind of parenting experience then you had received?
Yes – I agree that this is a cycle unless there is a break or intervention. This leaves me hoping that the next post will be more about breaking the cycle – I do believe it can be broken and unless it can be broken there is little hope for many of us.
There is always hope Abigail. Each generation seems to create more positive change. For example, some of the things I had hoped to model for my children were unattainable for me, but I see my son accomplishing it with his children. Another powerful lesson that I have learned is that repair is possible at any age.
I am not a parent, though I have god-mothered a couple of beloved youngsters. One thing I think about in terms of parenting being influenced by one’s childhood is that I have often seen parents, (friends and my sibs) strive so hard to be different from how they parented, that they often fall onto the opposite side of the spectrum, which is still dysfunctional (ie overly authoritarian become overly permissive and (less often) vice versa.
I’ve been guilty of that myself Vicki–parenting skills can be learned but it’s so much easier to parent if we were the product of ‘good enough’ parenting.
At the age of 19, I knew I would never have children. How did I know that? I have no idea but I knew. I was also so afraid of warping children that I didn’t want to be a mother for fear of what I would do to them. I could have become a good parent much much later on. I have 4 stepkids that didn’t require me raising them and I have wonderful grandkids that I got to enjoy as they grew up. I made the right decision. And my lucky grandkids have amazing parents!
Julieanne Case
Always from the heart!
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You are in good company Julieanne as many people have made the same decision for similar reasons. Looking at it objectively, parenting is a risky, expensive undertaking, loaded with uncertainty. Choosing to have or not have children is a core decision.
Thanks for this insightful post, Maureena. Being a parent has been an amazing journey for me full of many “aha” moments. I grew up in a very loving, laughter-filled home and have done the same with my son. Do I replicate everything from my childhood? Of course not, but I know my parents gave me a wonderful foundation upon which to build.
Foundation is everything Cory. A secure, predictable, and stable family environment where an infant’s (child’s) physical and emotional needs are * anticipated* and provided for in a caring empathetic manner is the right of every child. Thank you for sharing your experience.
It is interesting to see how our actions as parents do influence our kids. While there are obvious actions which we are aware of, a lot of time I think it is the ones that we are not aware of that can also have influence. I remember my kids used to be so embarrassed of their mother as we would walk down the street. I would say hi to everyone, or chat with complete strangers. My kids were horrified but it never occurred to me that I was ‘modeling’ social activity. It makes me laugh (secretly of course) now when I see my kids in the 20′s doing exactly the same thing! What they were originally horrified with, they are now modeling themselves. It will be interesting to see, when they have kids, how that same example will be modeled and passed on!
Great story Candace! I love being a grandparent and watching my son and daughter-in-law parent their three young children. It’s really comforting on so many levels.
I have a son (now 16), and I am sure the way I have parented him (and still am!) is firmly rooted in my own very stable, secure and loving background. I am lucky that, for the most part, my experiences of being parented are ones I would be happy to replicate. It is interesting though that my approach is somewhat different, though complementary to, that of my husband. I wonder if this is more a difference that is often seen along gender lines, or that stems more from the differences in our upbringing?
Great question, Imogen. My guess is that one’s experience of being parented always influences how we parent, to varying degrees. Most of the child developmental research that I’ve studied, especially *attachment*, explored the phenomena of the infant-mother dyad since she has traditionally been the primary caregiver.
I see my child as the product of both my husband’s and my parenting styles… as created by our different upbringings. The simple fact that we are together and he is not an alcoholic automatically changes her upbringing from what I experienced and the fact that I work at home instead of being a stay at home mom, changes her upbringing from my husband’s. Financially, she has a very different lifestyle than I had as a child. I have 4 older half-siblings from my dad. The eldest and youngest each have 2 boys (now all adults with two expecting babies soon). Not only were they raised differently even though my siblings had the same upbringing, the two boys in each family also experienced different parenting styles. I think the child’s personality often affects the types of parenting that we choose to use. My husband and his brother are a few years apart. They had access to basically the same childhood and upbringing. My brother-in-law would answer the questions you offered MUCH differently than my husband would, even though they had the same parenting. I definitely parented my infant differently than either of our mothers did as I did extended breast-feeding and extended co-sleeping (our 4 year old has her bed in our room, pulled right up to my side of the bed), baby-wearing, etc… all things that neither of our moms did. It will be interesting to see what she does when she’s older and has babies.
Speaking from my experience of coming from a large family, everyone of us children had a different experience and perspective, similar to what you have described. Family dynamics are so complex, aren’t they Brenda?
Sometimes it just about breaks my heart when I see parents acting out old issues on their kids. I feel compassion for all involved–for the parents who are left with so much incomplete, and for the children who must bear the burden to the next generation. I did not bear children, but in step-parenting I had the opportunity to examine myself. I was already doing that through therapy, so this was one more avenue.
I don’t think we ever escape our family story, but we can certainly become more alert and can take hold of it rather than retelling it unconsciously.
Judy Stone-Goldman
The Reflective Writer
http://www.thereflectivewriter.com
Personal-Professional Balance Through Writing
Thank you for your poignant comment Judy Stone Goldman. I have both lived and witnessed the struggle you describe. I’ve worked very hard to move beyond my story, to soften the edges of it, and to give myself permission to allow new meanings to emerge as I strive to live in the present moment yet there are always moments when I remember . . .
Oh, yes I did struggle to give my children a different experience. In fact in their early years I gave them pretty much the exact same experience. But gratefully, I was able to turn that around. I am so so grateful, it brings tears to my eyes. The changes were immediate and gradual all at the same time. I was far from a perfect mother, but my children who are now adults (in their 40s) and I have a wonderful relationship, clear of past hurts and open and honest, and full of love.
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://susan-berland.com
There’s always a chance for repair when love, action, and honesty are part of the mix. Thanks for sharing Susan.
There are some things that I do in a similar manner – and many that are completely different. I use the Character Code System to be aware of how my daughter is different than I – and sensitive to what she needs. I teach her the differences between people, their personalities and that everyone has inherent value…that we all make mistakes and we all have reasons to celebrate. As a result – she’s very compassionate, very logical, forgiving and well-balanced. Fingers crossed this lasts into teen years – LOL! Brandy
Parents who are sensitive to their children’s needs, even anticipating them from infancy onwards, help their child develop emotional stability and empathy for others which will serve them throughout their lives. Kudos, Brandy!
There are patterns from my childhood that are positive and negative. I’ve tried to be mindful of those as I raise my own children – especially in terms of being comfortable with themselves and having confidence. There are still times when I slip back into sounding like my mom…but that’s not always bad!
Paying attention to how we parent and how our children respond is a big commitment but the rewards are well worth it. Thanks for your comment Jennifer Peak.
I’m not a parent, so I really can’t say what I would do. I would hope I would parent much differently than how my parents parented. It was violent an abusive. Mostly verbally, but saw tirades after my dad drank a lot. So I have a lot of unpleasant family memories. What gets me through, and what was taught to me, is they did the best they could with the tools and skiills they had at the time. Which makes them more human and not so horrible now.
So true Wendee. When substance abuse and violence accompany poor parenting skills, the children usually pay the price.
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